Day 7: The Tax-Collector’s Table

This is what I imagine: that the Supreme Being is the kind of friend who bargains with you to liven up boring family reunions.

I will give you a peso for every air-kiss your mother has to command you into giving an old lady stranger, who professes to remembering your sweet rosy baby self running naked in the garden in the old Baguio house, whose face bleeds into all the other faces in the cloud of powder and hairspray at the mahjong table.

Five for every tita who prods the soft spots above your hipbones with her talons, squeezes your upper arm, shakes her head, blesses you with a lipsticked smile of mercy.

Ten for every time someone asks why you don’t have a boyfriend yet.

Twenty for, when you do have a boyfriend, for every inquiry about the wedding, every unsolicited offer to be your decorator, coordinator, makeup artist, stylist, godmother.

Fifty, when you marry, for every Got anything baking in the oven that is really a How well do the two of you make love don’t be shy now tell us everything we need to remember what it is like.

One hundred for every meal you politely decline to eat at the Lord’s table, even if lola’s friends have brought in a lechon and taken the good silver out of the tabernacle.

Five hundred for every time the spirit moves in you, makes you foolish and brave enough to answer all questions taklesa or otherwise with Bullshit–accept your state of sinfulness, hija, that suplada face will send you straight to hell.

I enjoin you, in the spirit of friendship, to keep these debts on record. To demand the cumulative sum of what you are owed, at the end of days, with interest.

—-

Day 7: Write a poem about money.

Day 6: A Case for the Health Benefits of Sun Exposure

dear my love please hear me out before
you lynch me for leaving the blinds open
to let in natural light by the gallon pouring
liquid and buttery over your sleeping face

it has to do with more than your body
and its natural processes of synthesizing
UVB radiation for vitamin D
for the strengthening of your bones
and teeth and protection against cancer

it has everything to do with your skin
and how it absorbs the morning, with the sun
that radiates from beneath the sheets

I already know you are golden
but does the world wake up aware of this
I mean to tell the world

—-

Day 6: Write an aubade.

Morning love song daw e.

Day 5: Banish Air

Banish Air
from Air Divide
Light if you dare
They’ll meet While
Cubes in a Drop
Or Pellets of Shape
fit Film of Soap
in a Finger-ring
Odors return
whole Force Flame
out of Water
over the Sink
The Sun

—-

Day 5: Find an Emily Dickinson poem – preferably one you’ve never previously read – and take out all the dashes and line breaks. Make it just one big block of prose. Now, rebreak the lines. Add words where you want. Take out some words. Make your own poem out of it! 

More playing. Mangles Emily Dickinson (but minimally). Languages all the things. But “Banish Air from Air” is such a lovely little poem, especially because I have no idea what it means.

Day 4: I Will (Non-Denominational Vows)

give you not all the days of my life, but every day
that you can endure my face without shattering,
look at me across the dining table and not feel
breakfast curdling in your throat. I will
make no promises that cannot see fulfillment
within the hour, or your order is free. I will
demand no promises, only unimpaired
and fully informed consent before we try
funny business with blindfolds, candles,
and a slight risk of injury. I will fill my memory
to its boiling point with grocery lists, commuting
routes, your coffee orders for Starbucks, Seattle’s Best,
that Leaf thing, how many buses will take us
to the nearest beach, how far is “far enough.”
I will learn to cook. We will get fat together,
grow into our ugliest selves, fight about
how pretty we were before we met–
and when we wake up, realize how old we are.
But we will pray together, throwing our voices
to any invisible ears. We’ll sing together.
You choose the radio station.
I will be listening.

—-

Day 4: Write a loveless love poem.

I just wanted to play. See also: why I will never marry anyone, in any way, shape, or form.

Day 3: In Vino Veritas

When, wanting oil, our lantern gutters faint
we two sit empty in an empty hall,
and rain and heartbeat drum their single rhyme.
Some nights, I play the sinner, he the saint,
and watching each drop’s suicidal fall,
we chase the night away with smoke and wine.
A smile, a breath, and no one dares confess
that greater souls have lost their lives for less.
Though I possess none of the sweet restraint
that stands him up when lightning cuts the skies,
new cuts of broken scenes we try to paint.
Imagine ourselves whole. The lantern dies.
Some nights, he plays the sinner, I the saint.
I pour his glass; he thanks me with his eyes.

—-

Day 3: Write a fourteener.

Of course I cheated and wrote a sonnet instead. Cheated further because this isn’t exactly a new poem, just a tweaked version of something I wrote in high school (??????), when I was still, I daresay, pretty good at making words fall into patterns. Sometimes I miss the discipline of writing metrical poetry, even if back then I only ever wrote about cheesy things I didn’t really know anything about.

(Also, I mostly kept this poem because it’s littered with Saiyuki references. Fujoshi feelings still going strong after ten years.)

Day 2: You Asked to See Stars

And for you I’ll play
great architect
of the universe,

ready to tip it on its side.
Here is my hand on a line
of switches: Let there be
a dark for you to see by.

Blackout. Here—
the sky you wanted.

From where you sit
on the edge

of my bed, hugging
your knees against the air
conditioning, imagine

that cold is space,
and watch the city
lights throw up
a galaxy around us.

—-

Day 2: Write a poem about the stars.

Highschoolish cheesiness because I can, and because I miss the view from my old room, which was higher than everything. Also, the Wiktionary glossary of collective nouns lists “a wonder of stars” as a possible collective.

Day 1: A True Fairytale

It is but common sense that no stories happen
to the eldest princess.

In this world there is no time to be beautiful
as the sun that washes over the cornfields,
to be soft as silk, pure as the new moon,
brave enough to barter your soul

with a witch—for world peace,
happiness, the heart of your true love.

She buys that time for her youngest sister.
She reviews trade routes with neighboring
kingdoms. She goes to tea with their princes,
dances with them in patterns

she has practiced since she could walk.
She offers her hand for the courtesy
of a kiss. Her research has informed her

of the paucity of stories
about an eldest princess.
You come into this world
knowing exactly what you are,
and where that self belongs.

Her heart is not hungry
enough to speak with a dragon.
No dreams can make it forget
its place and take wing.

Instead it stands erect, chin lifted, heels
digging furrows into the ground.

—-

Day 1: Write a poem of negation, in which you describe something in terms of what it is not.

Scattering

My brother is made of light.
I have known this since he was big enough

to run, since I was old enough to fear
for what I’d find beneath his skin

should he fall and scrape a knee.
My brother looks to his older sister

for a knowledge that stands against
all his questions. He is young enough

driven by nothing heavier
than a hunger for the world.

Why are the sea and the sky blue
are there more colors than the human eye

refracts back to us, how light are birds
that the tides of air can lift them

how did the universe begin. It doesn’t matter
that I can’t get the science straight, only that I speak

with a certainty he can measure. Light is so delicate
it hits the air and scatters into all its component colors.

A clear cloudless day-time sky is blue
because molecules in the air scatter

more blue light from the sun than red.
When we look towards the sun at sunset, we see red

and orange because the blue light has scattered
out and away from the line of sight.

But I don’t how old my brother is
when he discovers what he is made of.

It slips out of him a confession, one night
in the living room, over a bowl of chips,

a fighting game. His fingers tap against buttons
the willowy Chinese princess on the screen aims a kick

legs roundhousing an assembly-line of soldiers.
They dissolve bloodlessly against the ground

too digital to stain her shoes. She wears a purple
silk sheath dress and a golden phoenix in her hair

and it is half-crown and half-statue
and the dust of battle does not settle on it.

We cannot sleep. At 3 AM, these virtual bodies feel more solid
than the ones we sit in, crunching away at potato chips

trying to make sound happen. My brother asks me why
must I inhabit this body. Why am I not a winged creature,

rising hollow-boned into the scattering blue,
and am I so hollow the very air will scatter me.

I do not tell him it cannot be verified,
that I have no way to logic him out of his body

and into the princess, to overwrite his long arms
with wings. I do not tell him we aren’t digital anymore.

This isn’t the China of our video games
where winning wars is a matter of hand-eye

coordination, depth perception, precise little pushes
of buttons—where we can stand an army of one

against a thousand, where phoenixes nest in our hair.
I do not tell him I have no knowledge

to protect you with, only measurements of mass and density.
You cannot fly because the human form is earthbound.

You would need a wingspan of a hundred feet.
You would need oceans of sky

to displace your weight.
We’d jump, and break against them.

Para Kay Sei

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When I heard the news of your passing, I did what I always do–I cycled through my phone, through our photos, through our See Friendship page, our text thread. Why are you suddenly not in this world anymore? Why is data suddenly all I have left? How can that be?

As it turns out, my last text message to you on my phone was on your birthday, saying that I was happy we’d been able to stay in touch after I graduated and let go of Kythe, that I was proud of you, that you were such a blessing. (All still true, though the words themselves at the moment don’t feel like they’re enough.) You promised me you wouldn’t let me down.

You kept that promise like a trooper until the very end. As I write this, Sei, I am letting you down, because when I heard the news of your passing I stopped believing for a bit. Some deaths creep up on you slow, but this one hit me like a gunshot and tore through my whole body so hard I almost screamed (and you know I never, ever raise my voice). In typical me fashion, because I’m agro and cynical and hardened and kind of a war freak, my first coherent thought when I stopped crying was how much I wanted the person who did this to you to burn in Hell. My second coherent thought was that if this world is the kind of place where tragedies of this magnitude are allowed to happen, then maybe you really didn’t belong here. Maybe you were in a better world now, one that actually deserved you. My third coherent thought was that, be that as it may, God if he exists must have known that this world still needed you, that it wasn’t your time yet, and how dare he or anyone else presume to have the power to take you from us.

I’m sorry. Humans are selfish people, and as I begin this long process of mourning you there have already been moments during which I am no different. There will probably be more, as I seesaw with everyone who ever loved you between remembering you fondly and smiling and punching something and just sitting in a daze wondering what the fuck why did this have to happen. But you were always someone I could be honest with, someone I could speak straight to in my ugliest, most twisted-up moments, and you always believed, just the same, that there was light in me. You always fought so hard for the truth that there was light in all of us.

So I’ll just leave that photo up there as a keepsake, to help me remember. Alam kong signature pose mo ang demure pose, but I’ll always love this one, because there was nothing apologetic or half-hearted about you. I think Kythers know in a very particular way that the world can be a cruel, unjust place–because bad things happen to good people, because it lets children suffer, because all the methods that exist in psychology and medicine and all the sciences still fall short in caring for them and their families. You knew that, but you were one of those people who always chose joy and chose it entirely, who walked bright-eyed and open-hearted into such an awful world, completely willing to give yourself to others. From the first CLP we attended together in your freshman year I knew you were special that way. I looked at you and thought, this one’s a keeper, she’s going to go far, I can’t wait to see all the good that she’ll do. This one believes in the light. This one is made of light.

At this point there is nothing left but to thank you for that CLP, girl. Thank you for every CLP, every visit, every Advo event, every smile and hug in the hallway, every tweet, every joking Facebook comment. Thank you even for the ReSess you made me speak at last sem, even if I stumbled through it awkwardly and went massively overtime and had no idea what I was saying–thank you for the assurance and for the ego-stroking that I by no means deserved. “No girl, sobrang ayos, promise. Kung mabasa mo lang yung evals ng event, sobrang nainspire mga tao sayo. I’m glad the new Kythers got to meet you.” Bolera ka talaga. Sobrang galing mo siguro mag-Philo orals, tangina.

Basically, thank you for being. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And because I’m shameless, I’ll ask something of you too–please stand by us in the days ahead, and always, the brightest star in our sky. We stand with you, eyes to heaven.

We love and miss and honor you, Sei. You were, and are, and will be always, made of light.